It’s been a year already :(

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of my nephew, Isaac passing.  I actually stayed off of Facebook because it felt like that’s all I could see on my news-feed was photos and stories about him and I didn’t want to be sad at work so I tried to put it out of my mind.  To say that yesterday was a tough day is an understatement because its not just one day that its tough, its every day.  It’s Christmas morning not being able to see the excitement in his face, its Thanksgiving dinner not being able to hear what he is most thankful for, its Easter Sunday not being able to see him help the girls find their eggs, its St Patrick’s Day not being able to be with him at the parade, its every holiday, every time I drive by his school, its his birthday, its every time I see a cute little brown boy with a  big smile and curly hair, its once a week when my daughter tells me she misses him, it’s the first and last day of school, its every morning when I look at my memories on Facebook and see a photo of him from how ever many years ago, its when I see my sister and she reminds me of him. 

I hope that no one has to experience the feeling of losing your child and as much as I miss him and my feelings I can’t and don’t even want to imagine the hurt that my sister feels.  I will never be able to get that day and that scene out of my head.  It was in the middle of the night and I had missed calls and text messages from my brother, sister, mom, and dad.  I was in shock and disbelief until I saw hist little body laying on that bed in the emergency room of the hospital hooked up to so many machines and monitors.  The hardest part wasn’t seeing him there, it was watching my sister mourn over him.  When you’re the oldest of your siblings you feel this responsibility to protect your younger siblings and be their keeper.  So, when my sister was in such agony it hurt me too.  It reminded me of the day he was born and how much pain she was in while she was in labor.  She looked the exact same and had that exact same pain in her eyes and in her voice. 

A couple of weeks ago I saw this trailer for the movie called Breakthrough where a young boy falls through the ice and lives.  The movie appears to be a faith-based movie as the mother pleads to God to please save her son and states that she surrenders herself to him.  I was immediately in tears because it took me back to that day in that emergency room where my sister was pleading and begging for it to not be true for my nephew to not be gone for him to start breathing again.  At first, I was upset, thinking to myself what made this other boy so special, why didn’t God save Isaac?  Then it dawned on me that he did.  If you’re not a person of faith I don’t mean to offend you but I do believe and what I believe is that Isaac was suffering, he was always sick, he was constantly held back, and God took him to give him a chance to be his true self and to no longer suffer.  Maybe this is the belief that I need to have in order to make it ok, in order to get through the tough moments knowing that he is in a better place. 

Next month on the 22nd of May my nephew would be turning 12 years old.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him!  He was a blessing to so many people with such a big heart and such a loving soul.  He was the first child that stole my heart and gave me a glimpse of what it is to have that unexplained unconditional love for this tiny human being.  I will never get to see him get ready for his first date, or prom, or graduation, or his wedding.  I will never get to hold him like a baby again or tell him that he is my one and only mister and nobody will ever take his place.  He will forever hold a piece of my heart! 

Cherish your children and ever moment whether it be good or bad, be grateful and humble, teach them to love, hold them a little bit longer, tell them how much you love them!  There are some parents that will never get to do that again with their own children. 

Rest in Peace and in love my mister!

7 thoughts on “It’s been a year already :(”

  1. Loosing a loved one so dear to ur heart will never seems to get any easier as time goes by. You miss their love, little Hugs, and big smiles just all the way around everything about them. I pray he comes to u in ur dreams and he let’s u know hes safe. Trust he is always by ur side. I pray he gives u strength and guides and protects you. One day u will hold him again.
    I’m always thinking of u. I love u mija stay strong.

  2. This was so well written. I’m sorry for the pain you feel, the bittersweet feeling of Isaac no longer in pain, the smiles & heartache. My heart isn’t with your family.

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